Funnies...

Biker Bob and his son were in church...

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven. 'Without you, we are But dust...'

He would have continued but at that moment little Bob who was listening leaned over to Biker Bob and asked quite audibly his little four year old voice, 'Dad, what is butt dust?'

​
 

Biker Bob was sitting in a pub one day when Father Murphy walks in and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to Biker Bob and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Bob said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this.
You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Biker Bob said, "Oh, when I die, yes.
I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

Bike Bob bought a bull and a week later complained to his friend that it only ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. His friend suggested taking the bull to a vet.

The next week Bob was thrilled, " The vet gave him some pills and the bull has serviced all my cows" he said "Then he broke through the fence and bred every cow in the neighborhood. He's a machine."

His friend asked "What kind of pills are they?" "I don't know" said Bob "But they taste like peppermint."

 

My wife comes home and said "I have good news and bad news".
I said tell me the good news first.
She said, "the Airbags on the car work".

 

Biker Bob happens to be a vet and one of his new clients is being extremely rude about her dog having to wait in line. She has only been waiting for 10 minutes, but was constantly appearing at the desk demanding to know why she had to wait. During one of these appearances, Bob was fortunate enough to be there.

Client: “Why is it taking so f***ing long? You should know my dog is much more important than everyone else’s."

Bob: “Excuse me ma’am, but you’re going to have to be more patient. Others have been waiting longer."

At this point, the client doesn’t know who Bob is, nor that he is one of the vets.

Client: “I’m not talking to you, why don’t you mind your own business?"

Bob: “I’m a vet, so taking care of bitches is my business."

 

Biker Bob has found that friends can be so fickle, the other day he remarked what a great mustache a friend of his had and now she is not his friend.

Wisdom of Biker Bob

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."
11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

Biker Bob went to the mall to buy some new boots the other day. After he was done shopping, he sat down in the food court. Sitting next to him was a girl with spiked hair in every color--red, green, purple and orange. He couldn't keep himself from staring, and she finally turned to him and snapped "What's your problem, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Bob replied "I got drunk one night and slept with a peacock. I was just wondering if you could be my daughter."

 

!Seymore wrote:

Biker Bob went to the mall to buy some new boots the other day. After he was done shopping, he sat down in the food court. Sitting next to him was a girl with spiked hair in every color--red, green, purple and orange. He couldn't keep himself from staring, and she finally turned to him and snapped "What's your problem, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Bob replied "I got drunk one night and slept with a peacock. I was just wondering if you could be my daughter."


 

I tell that one all the time  LOL

has been a go to for me, also....

The Empire State building

A tourist goes to the top of the Empire State building to see the view. When he get's there, he finds two men, sitting on the parapet, with their feet dangling over the edge. Intrigued, he walks over to them and asks what they're doing.

"Flipping", says the first one.

"What's flipping?" asks the tourist.

"Well" says the first one. "You launch yourself over the side of the building, with your arms stretched out in front of you. Then just before you reach the ground, you flip your hands back, and you float back up here. Do you want me to demonstrate?"

"Well yes" says the tourist.

So the man stands on the edge of the parapet and launches himself off of the side. As he's flying towards the ground, he stretches his arms out in front of him, and 5 feet from the ground, he flips his hands back and slowly floats back up to the top of the building, and sits back on the parapet.

"Wow" says the tourist. "That's amazing. Can I try?"

"Help yourself" says the first man.

So the tourist stands up on the parapet, and then launches himself into the air. As he's flying down towards the ground, he lets out a yell and spreads his arms out in front of him. Five feet from the ground, he flips his hands back, and splats into the pavement.

Up on the top of the building, the second man turns to the first and says "Sometimes Gabriel, for an angel, you can be an ass."

 

When should you use a condom?
Any conceivable occasion.