Funnies...

BTW, since I started this thread, let me make a statement......

THIS IS A JOKES THREAD. IF YOUR POST IS NOT FUNNY, I WILL FLAG IT!

SWEST post above is NOT a joke or funny in any way. I see it more as a political statement, unwarranted in this thread!

If you want to DEL my post, please also remove any reference to SWEST posts and his also.
 

!Seymore wrote:

BTW, since I started this thread, let me make a statement......

THIS IS A JOKES THREAD. IF YOUR POST IS NOT FUNNY, I WILL FLAG IT!

SWEST post above is NOT a joke or funny in any way. I see it more as a political statement, unwarranted in this thread!

If you want to DEL my post, please also remove any reference to SWEST posts and his also.

 

Already done

Child of the 80's


If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are a "Child of the 80's".


1. You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

2. You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".

3. You can sing the McDonald's Big Mac, Filet-O-Fish, Quarter Pounder, French Fry song while jump roping.

4. You know who "Mr. T" is.

5. You know who Fat Albert is. And also the boy with the pink mask.

6. You ever wore fluorescent, neon clothing.

7. You could break dance, or wish you could.

8. You wanted to be "The Hulk" for Halloween.

9. You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"

10. Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

11. You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

12. You wanted to be on Star Search.

13. You remember the Garbage Pail Kids, and owned some.

14. You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."

15. You HAD to have your MTV.

16. You wondered why Tootie always wore those skates.

17. You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.

18. You watched Purple Rain over and over again.

19. You remember the episode of Good Times when Flo broke down after James' funeral.

20. You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

21. You own any cassettes.

22. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.

23. You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.

24. Poltergeist freaked you out.

25. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunch box.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

27. You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.

28. You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.

29. You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.

30. You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

31. You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

32. You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is.

 

Mrs. Right


Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"

John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper. She's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality and money. She's got to have money. And a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."


George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"


John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."

 

What as the cause of death of the man killed by giant prize winning pumpkin ? He was GOURD TO DEATH !

 

People often say that the last four letters in "queue" are silent.

They're not silent, they're just waiting for their turn.

 

One way to handle negative people


This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.



A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who f'cked up your hair?"

 

The Lecture


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is
asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture
at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

 

False Teeth


A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only
eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten
minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48
minutes.

The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the
pulpit, and they ask him what happened.

The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he
couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more
than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in
and couldn't stop talking.