Funnies...

!Seymore wrote:

 

^^^ ... something... something... followed by a cigarette and a nap... ^^^

Good Ridin'
slmjim

The first day of Profiling...

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo ...

He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said:

"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

 

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats."
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job."
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.
 

Random Acts of Thinking...

I want to become a vegetarian, but I'm not sure I can quit
eating meat cold turkey.

I wear glasses. Doesn't that mean that *everything* I see is
an optical illusion?

I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

Do fishermen live in the reel world?

You want to know a really, really hugely annoyingly bad
habit? Over-exaggeration.

I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing
a blank.

My wife and I love each other. I rub her back and she
massages my ego.

When he who lives in a glass house invites he who is without
sin for dinner, bad things can happen.

You can't stop progress, but you can unplug a good chunk of
it.

A chrysanthemum by any other name ... would be easier to
spell.

Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair
spins.

My life no longer needs an extreme makeover. Now it just
needs a complete do over.

A friend of mine has a nose ring. She keeps the volume
pretty low, though, and sets it to "vibrate" at the movies.

I'm not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in
a screwdriver.

Yesterday I pushed my luck. It was clearly too weak to move
by itself.

 

Election...


The kids in the neighborhood held an election. The grownups
were astonished that a four-year-old had been elected
president.

"That boy must be a born leader," one dad observed. "How
does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?"

"Well, you see, Dad," one lad replied, "he cannot very well
be secretary because he does not know how to write. He would
not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He
would never do for sergeant-at-arms because he is too little
to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything,
he would feel bad. So we made him president."

 

Fairy Godmother...


As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her
long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered
to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

POOF: The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into
solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

POOF: The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an
exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single
weak, hoarse "woof."

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome
prince?"

POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who had now turned
into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man
she had ever seen, more handsome than she could possibly
have imagined.

She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came
toward her, her knees weakened.

He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he
whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Mysterious Leg Problem 

The patient said, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's
wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, and you'll hear
it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh
and heard, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How
long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor
put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I
really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!"

The doctor was truly dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know
what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this."

"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put
your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor
did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead,
"Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am
really desperate!"

"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it
in any of my books," the doctor said as he frantically
searched all his medical reference books. "However, I can
make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my
previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty
that your leg seems to be broke in three places."


 

ATMs

For most men:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card, and receipt

For some women:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least two minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in first
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel three miles
41. Release hand brake

 

This is a cool ATV...